The Green Parent

By The Green Parent

21st March 2019

Alison Armstrong reveals how women and men experience the world differently and how we can make the best of our relationships

The Green Parent

By The Green Parent

21st March 2019

The Green Parent

By The Green Parent

21st March 2019

One of the most difficult things for the masculine mind to understand is feminine feelings. It simply doesn’t understand what it’s like to be a feelings-based organism. But for the feminine, it’s very simple: we aren’t making a big deal out of our feelings – our feelings ARE a big deal.

Contrary to popular thinking, the difficulty with women’s feelings doesn’t come from men not having them. They absolutely have feelings. The trouble often comes from men having a fact-based approach to feelings. For example, you can ask a man, ‘Why do you feel that way?’ and he’ll tell you, citing information. This is the source of an annoying behaviour – telling us, ‘You shouldn’t feel that way, because…’

By not understanding what it means to be feelings-based, men are at a great disadvantage with women. Because men are judged, valued and kept or rejected based upon how they make us feel. Men think the facts matter, like the fact that he goes to work every day to provide for his family. That should count, right? It should count and it does count – but not precisely in the way men would like it to.

For example, a man who goes to work and really works has an air about him. Literally, what he has is more testosterone in his blood and we can smell it wafting in the air. And that testosterone can make us feel safe. Our inner cavewoman registers that testosterone as a protector on the premises, one that can save us from the tiger waiting outside the cave. It can also make us feel sexy, because strong protectors, frankly, turn cavewoman on. We call it chemistry and it’s a powerful feeling.

But if he drags himself to a job he hates and merely goes through the motions, he’s not going to come home smelling so delicious. If he’s tired, bored and defeated, he’s going to give us an opposite feeling. The lack of testosterone in the air leaves us confused. We can see someone who ought to be a protector, but he doesn’t feel protective to us. We’ll be agitated and not know why. It’s our inner cavewoman feeling scared. We might even pick a fight, unconsciously knowing that a conflict will raise his blood testosterone levels. And at the end of that fight? Yep, make up sex!

“If men could set aside their desire to create logic out of our feelings, they’d be able to understand all kinds of feminine behaviour”

If men could set aside their desire to create logic out of our feelings, they’d be able to understand all kinds of feminine behaviour, like:

Why I have a dozen pairs of black shoes and commend myself on my restraint. Because every pair gives me a distinctly different feeling. They can even change the feeling of a whole outfit, including ruin it for me.

How a woman can stand in front of a wardrobe that’s overflowing with clothes and say, ‘I have nothing to wear.’ Translation: The feeling I’m looking for isn’t here.

Why a woman rejects a good man with a good job, who really cares about her and treats her well. Because she isn’t “feeling it”.

Why it matters so much to her that he takes the rubbish out and she doesn’t have to do it herself. Because taking out the trash makes her feel all kinds of yucky things – like dirty, ugly, unloved and taken for granted.

To top it all off, every woman has her favourite feelings. And we’re not all the same. Some of us like to feel excited, while others of us would call the same thing scared. Some of us like to feel serene, while others would find that boring. If only men could understand that we organize our entire lives – our jobs, our friendships, our activities and, even decorate our homes – to give us our favourite feelings. (This, of course, is why we re-decorate; we want a different feeling.)

By understanding that our feelings are central to our lives, men could be much more effective in dealing with us. For example, instead of telling us how to feel, they could cause us to feel something we want. They might start with the question: ‘How would you like to feel and what could I do to make you feel that way?’

HOW TO TALK TO MEN

Men tell me they love listening to women talk, especially when we’re excited about something. Listening to a woman share her passions gives men a sense of well-being. But we’ve all seen men “glaze over” in the middle of our conversation. What’s happening there?

This has to do with the way men think and the way men listen. Being single-focused, when men are listening they are totally focused on what we’re saying. They’re trying to figure out “the point”. And they’re trying to remember what we’re telling them. The glazed look happens when we overwhelm men with too many details that they can’t catalog because it’s unclear what the point is exactly.

Of course the point is unclear, because there usually isn’t a point! We are just expressing our thoughts and want to be heard. If you’d like the man in your life to not glaze over, then you must spare the details. Only include the details they need to understand what you most want them to know about you or your experience. Save the play-by-play for female friends.

HOW TO HAVE REWARDING CONVERSATIONS

In order to get a man to open up, you must learn a few simple tricks. Keep in mind that these tricks would never work for a woman, but they will work for a man. So stick to them – you’ll be surprised with the results.

  1. Listen With Full Concentration - One of the first things a woman needs to do is learn how to listen. Stop what you are doing and place your attention entirely on your man. This is more than just common courtesy – it is necessary to create a safe environment for him to open up. So stop straightening the tablecloth, stop tidying up the room. Pretend to not be thinking about tomorrow night’s supper. Just sit down, focus, and let your body language communicate that you are open to hearing him.
  2. Become a Receiver - Listening to your man is not about sharing – it is about receiving. Unlike women who want to share their feelings, men want someone to accept their feelings. All he needs is for you to hear what he says and accept it for what it is. Mentally make yourself into a receiver – imagine the water carrier coming out of that well and handing you a bucket. You are not to comment or judge- just accept it as it is and wait for more.
  3. Waiting – The 30 Second Rule - This is the really hard part. After giving you a few of his thoughts, your man may become quiet. You may think he is done. But the opposite is true – and if you break the silence at this point, you will never find out what else is at the bottom of his well. When a man becomes quiet after sharing something personal, it is not because he is finished. In fact, it means just the opposite – he is going back for more. Most women don’t know this and lose out on the deepest feelings their partners have to share. This is where the 30 second rule comes in. When your man becomes quiet and you are itching to start talking, mentally count to 30. Don’t speak a word or do anything. Keep your gaze steadily on him, stay open and accepting, and quietly start to count. Chances are, he’ll be back with another deep thought before you hit 15. This will happen over and over again, with the thoughts getting deeper and more personal as you allow him to go back for more. And as this happens, you will be amazed at how sensitive and caring your partner really is – if he only has the time and space to let it surface.
  4. When The Well Is Empty - You listened. You counted to 30. You let your man go back into his well time and time again, bringing up the most surprisingly deep thoughts and feelings. You were taken aback by how many emotions he has stored deep inside of him. And now, how do you know when he’s finished? This is the point at which you can start to really appreciate the brilliance of men. When they are done, when they have reached the bottom of the well and there is no more to say, they will let you know. There is no hinting with men – they say it as it is. He will probably say something like: ‘Well, anyway, I’m done,’ or similar. It may come with a small shrug of his shoulders, like he is letting go of a heavy burden. He is now ready to move on, thanks to your accepting him without question. When that happens, you can know that you did your job well. You have listened, accepted, and waited for more until he gave you everything he had. You have done what so few women know to do – you have allowed your man to show his feelings.

MORE INSPIRATION

READ The Queen’s Code by Alison Armstrong teaches how to communicate what you want so that men are inspired to provide it. All in a way that leaves you both feeling really good.

WATCH How Women and Men see things differently youtube.com/watch?v=4MZgIiJNvPo

VISIT queenscode.com for a free first chapter of Alison’s latest book

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