By Natalie Fee
31st August 2009
Q: Dear Natalie, I have a 13 year old daughter who I am trying very hard to teach how sacred her sexuality is and how she should love herself and respect herself enough to not just give her body away to boys she hardly knows! It’s a tough one I know. Any advice?
A: Given that my son is only six, I’ve not yet had to cross this bridge in my own parenting journey. But no doubt one day I will – so thanks for the heads up! However I’m happy to answer the question as it doesn’t feel all that long ago that I was a rather promiscuous teenager myself. I slept around, had strings of one-night-stands and lots of short relationships and yes – not surprisingly had my fair share of unpleasant sexually transmitted diseases. (Before I go on, I’d just like to mention that whether or not you share this part of the answer with your daughter is entirely up to you – there’s heaps of practical advice and resources for you both to come!)
Fortunately I came through that time with no physical scars. But, as we know, we are more than just physical beings. We also have an energy body. And my energy body still bears the scars of my promiscuous behaviour – over ten years and a lot of energy work later! I say this lightly, as despite it being a serious subject, one can’t live life in fear or regret. However, a little hindsight is a valuable thing, especially if it can be shared! I’ll try to word it in such a way that you can (hopefully) explain it to your daughter without her snorting at you in a ‘stop being so weird, Mum’ kind of way. Here goes.
As well as these fabulous bodies that we’re blessed with, we also have an energy body (if she’s not cool with this concept you can demonstrate it to her by googling ‘kick ass moves’ or similar to show her how martial artists can knock people over from ten feet away, thus showing her the power of the unseen!). When we form a relationship with someone, physical or not, we make energetic connections to that person. These can be strengthening (i.e. they have a benign or positive influence on our lives) or they can be weakening (i.e. they have a negative influence). We’ve all seen extreme examples of this – how one relationship can seem to be the making of someone and how another can ruin them. But whether or not the relationship’s influence is obvious or not, one thing’s for sure. Sex is the quickest and most direct way in which to pick up another person’s energy, which once established in your energy field becomes a ‘foreign energy’. The more foreign energies you have, the more prone you are to misfortunate events – be that with your health, work, relationships etc – and the harder it gets to see who you really are. And being able to see who you really are is the coolest, most important thing you could wish for.
If you feel that telling your daughter about the foreign energy thing is too much, then practice yourself what you want her to learn and trust that in doing so, you’re doing your very best. You are her role model after all. If she’s around someone who values her bodies (both physically and energetically) and who spends time exploring her divinity, your daughter may be naturally inspired to do the same. If she’s not, well, that’s her choice.
You can also guide her in the right direction by checking out some of these fabulous resources, compiled by Green Parent editor, Melissa Corkhill. Perhaps go through them yourself first, then sit down with your daughter and see which one’s she’s interested in checking out! Enjoy!
For older girls:
The Garden by Elsie Aidinoff
“A beautiful and honest, though at times disturbing, re-writing of the creation story with Eve discovering her burgeoning sexuality and the power held by women. I’d recommend this as a good book for encouraging discussion about sacred sex and gender roles etc.”
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
“An epic celebration of womanhood, written for women everywhere, regardless of their status, creed or colour.”
Women Who Run With Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes
“A must read for all women. In fact, mothers should pass the knowledge contained in these pages down to their daughters as they turn 16. It’s insightful and inspirational and gets you back in touch with your authentic self”
Daughters of the Moon, Sisters of the Sun by K Wind Hughes and Linda Wolf
“A book of compelling photos and autobiographical stories from more than forty teenage girls who participated weekly in a two-year focus group provides validation, support and vision for girls facing the transition to womanhood. Not specifically about sacred sex for teens it is nonetheless an empowering read because it feels inclusive and sharing the girls stories about sex and womanhood helps the reader to feel that they are not alone”
The Rough Guide to Girl Stuff by Kaz Cooke
“Not about sacred sex but has loads of useful info, tips and advice. Subtitled ‘Your full on guide for the teen years’ this has some pretty juicy bits of info with a focus on taking your time and choosing partners carefully”
For adults:
Raising a Daughter: Parents and the Awakening of a Healthy Woman by Jeanne and Don Elium
“A useful read for parents with a section of sexuality and how to encourage daughters to grow up with a positive body image. I like the fact that this book focuses on the importance of a father’s role in supporting a healthy sexuality in his growing daughter.”
Celebrations, Ceremony and Online Resources:
The Goddess Conference held in Glastonbury each year includes workshops aimed at teens, such as the “Discover Your Inner Fire Woman” course. A real spirit of celebrating the divine feminine runs through the event.
goddessconference.com
The Sacred Arts Camp in Oxfordshire offers a space for teens to talk, share, sing and dance through issues. One aspect of the camp is a menarche ceremony for girls to celebrate their first bleed.
sacredartscamp.org
Teen Talking Circles is a US based group run by the authors of ‘Daughters of the Moon, Sisters of the Sun’. The weekly workshops encourage development of communication, assertiveness, empathy, self awareness etc. Focussing on common teen issues, there is obviously a lot of talk about sex!
teentalkingcircles.org
Scarlet Teen is another US based organisation and their website is packed with full frontal articles on sex for teens including the metaphysics of sex and why sexual entry is different to other kinds of sexual activities and safe sex for the heart – how to make sure you are making the right decisions emotionally. scarleteen.com
For younger girls new Moon is a bi-monthly US based magazine aimed at helping girls discover their true selves at newmoon.com
PS – If you’d like the gory details, or you’d like your daughter to hear them for herself, I’m happy to speak to her over the phone. Perhaps hearing someone’s real-life story of how years of careless sex led to years of health, wealth and relationships struggles might inspire her to be more choosy! And also how she might learn to discern the difference and choose ‘right’ relationships that can lead her to greater heights of awareness and magical happenings.
