By The Green Parent
29th October 2020
Lily loves animals and nature. She’s crouching in the garden watching a butterfly as it moves from flower to flower. She could show you, if you asked, the blue tit’s nest just by the front door or the squirrel’s dray in the woods where she plays. At the age of six she has decided to become a vegetarian, choosing not to eat the animals that she feels so connected to. Ethan, eight, is watching his classmates. He doesn’t want to join in with their game though; it’s too loud and rough for him. He prefers to play his guitar, to experiment with the sounds of different strings, different chords; and he likes to draw – especially birds. But his teacher is worried. She thinks that he is shy and lacking in confidence.
Intuitive and empathetic
Children like Lily and Ethan tend to notice a lot, and they think about what they have noticed and are affected by it, so much so that sometimes they just disappear into their thoughts. They can be intuitive and empathic, often seeming wise for their years, and they have a highly developed sense of justice, believing in what’s right and living by this sense of rightness from a young age. But they can also get easily overwhelmed by new situations and changes in routine, or by loud places and people, and when this happens, tears and tantrums surface. And they are prone to complaining, a lot – the shoes are squashy, the room is too hot, the biscuit is broken. Overall, these children seem bothered by things which don’t bother other children; they seem especially sensitive. Chances are, they are highly sensitive.
Intense Emotions
Highly sensitive children have a nervous system that responds more readily to subtleties in the environment, so they come with a natural tendency to react strongly to external stimulation. Things like loud noise, bright lights and lots of people can cause discomfort and stress for them, so while most children can happily enjoy parties and rough and tumble games, highly sensitive children may not - these situations are just too much for them, they are too arousing to their systems. Highly sensitive children are also emotional children – they feel their emotions intensely, they cry a lot, often for others – a starving child, a neglected animal, a dying plant – but sometimes for themselves. And they are more sensitive physically – they feel more pain, they are more likely to be affected by medication and stimulants and they are more likely to suffer with allergies. Children with the high sensitivity trait are often labelled fussy, or shy and fearful but this is rarely the case. What appears to be fussiness is usually genuine discomfort, whether it’s from an article of clothing, a bright light or an untidy room. And often a desire to just take in a new situation rather than immediately join in is mistaken for timidity and shyness. Unfortunately, highly sensitive children can pick up on these labels and get hurt by them. And whether a child comes to see their sensitivity as an advantage or not is primarily down to their parents’ attitude and parenting style. So how can you parent a highly sensitive child so that their sensitivity becomes a source of pride and self-esteem rather than a source of anxiety and shame?
Accept
It’s difficult to overstate just how important your opinion of your child’s sensitivity is to your child. For your child to accept their sensitivity you must both accept and embrace it, difficult though that may be at times, with their heightened awareness making jumper labels itchy, new situations tricky and busy places overwhelming. It’s very easy to focus on the negative aspects of the trait, those things that make your life more complicated, but remember their extra awareness brings blessings as well. Who else but your highly sensitive child can notice the bird singing above the traffic noise or the sun making ‘sparkles’ from morning dew? Who else has a gentleness that can calm a frightened animal or settle a fractious baby? Celebrating these positive aspects and pinpointing exactly the things you love about your child’s personality will make accepting their sensitivity easier and will encourage your child to have good feelings about themselves. It’s important, also, to recognise that your child’s experience of the world is different to yours – they will notice smells that you don’t, they will sense things that you don’t – and to acknowledge and validate this different experience.
Environment
Highly sensitive children thrive on order and the calm that results from it, so establishing routines for eating, sleeping, chores and playtime will really benefit your child. A good sleep routine is especially useful. Sleep makes up part of your child’s downtime, where they incorporate the stimulations of the day, and they will need plenty of it. Also part of their downtime is the time they spend alone. Their room, if they have one of their own will become their sanctuary. Respect this space – your child will feel violated if they feel you have been in their room unnecessarily – and allow your child the freedom to retreat when they need to. As much as possible keep things quiet and low-key at home. Loud music, bright lights, shouting – all of these will bother your highly sensitive child and add to the stimulation they experience. Even regular volume may sometimes be too much and you may have to lower your voice when you speak with them. Too many activities in one day are also likely to overwhelm your child. A day at school is enough for some and they won’t manage after-school activities very well without some quiet time in-between. They probably won’t like shopping much either – supermarkets and shopping centres are just too bright, too cluttered and too busy. It’s best to keep shopping trips short and to go at quieter times. You may also want to investigate home education as a possibility for your sensitive child.
Emotion
Although your highly sensitive child feels their emotions keenly, they may not always be expressed and could instead manifest as stomach aches or anxiousness. Your child will also get upset by things which seem trivial to you – killing a spider rather than putting it outside would be enough to cause tears and distress. And suffering in any form, whether it’s being experienced by bullied friends, battery chickens or burning rainforests is likely to affect them deeply, maybe even leaving them with disturbing images that last into adulthood (it’s wise, for this reason, to limit the images they are exposed to on the television or other media). Highly sensitive children can also be acutely aware of others’ feelings and this is something that can cause real confusion, particularly if the other person is in any way denying or repressing them. It will really help your child validate their experience of this and learn to trust themselves if you can be open about your own feelings and express them honestly.
Empower
Highly sensitive children are naturally cautious in new situations, and it can be all too easy to either overprotect your child or push them too hard, neither of which is particularly beneficial. It’s important, though, to expose your child to many different activities (just not all at once) and to use these to discover your child’s talents. Positive experiences in new situations will help build your child’s confidence; their natural caution will be softened and they will become bolder. Highly sensitive children are especially prone to low selfesteem – they are born perfectionists and self-critical in the extreme - so anything you can do to boost their confidence is useful. Emphasising your child’s talents and challenging their self-criticism can go a long way. And remember, they will take their cues from you. If you perceive their sensitivity as negative in any way they will know this and it will affect them. If you don’t feel good about their sensitivity then they won’t either. Highly sensitive children are also very aware of others’ needs and have a tendency to put others before themselves, and because sensitive children usually speak subtly, using hints and nuances, it’s entirely possible that their own needs won’t be heard. It’s important to teach your child to be clear about what they want and encourage them to establish boundaries for themselves – they can learn to say no to things they don’t want to do, it just takes practice.
WHAT TO READ?
The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron
Too loud, too bright, too fast, too tight by Sharon Heller
The Highly Intuitive Child by Catherine Crawford
Meditative bedtime tales: Nightlights by David Fontana
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain
